A Time To Tear Down & A Time To Build Up
by JackBadJuJu
Summary: Bella is left wondering what will happen in her life now that she's become ill. Everyone wants to help her, but she wants to be left alone to deal. Only Edward can reach her & make her feel loved & safe. A romantic oneshot w/ some angst. Rated M AH/AU


_It's sad to say that I've been working on this story for months. I started it…well…awhile ago but my hands have been giving me trouble._

_In this story Bella has a condition which remains nameless, but you can guess the several issues it could be. I decided to write what I know…and I know the chronic pain and mental and emotion anguish that accompanies some diseases that are not curable. I actually have a few and in danger of developing others. _

_This story is very dear to my heart because my loving husband inspired it. And this is why I remain anonymous. Poor hubby would not be happy. But I know someone out there will realize that men like this Edward in my story and my husband deserve so much love and devotion from us, because they give it back in spades. _

_Please leave a review telling me what you thought. _

_Thanks for reading!!_

**I do not own Twilight or any character or plot line that Stephenie Meyer created. However I do own a lot of medicine…that's all mine. **

Out of the corner of my eye I watched my husband as we watched television. I could see every time he looked at me like he wanted to ask me something. Maybe he wanted to ask if I was feeling alright. Or perhaps ask if he could do anything. His face contorted subtly with the anguish I'm sure we were both suffering from. The difference was that I wanted to suffer it alone. I didn't know how to share this feeling of all around foreboding. When his gaze lingered too long I would sigh and fidget making it look like I was about ready to catch him. His eyes averted back to the screen.

I sat there a few more minutes staring just above the TV to our wedding picture on the shelf. There in the not so distant past I stood grinning so brightly I could see it clearly from my vantage point of the couch. He looked just as ecstatic as I did. We had been really happy. That had been the best day of my life. Now…we were here and I was unsure how things had gotten the way they were.

I'd been sick really a year before I started not being able to do the things I used to. Edward was a musician playing in different orchestras and special events. He made good money, probably enough for us both to live on. I still choose to work because I wanted to be a teacher. I loved it. I taught history to middle school students. Both of us being twenty five we'd never talked about having kids and I didn't expect them. I always felt like I had my students. They were my kids.

I started being very tired and my whole body hurting. I'd have headaches all the time. I would get dizzy spells. I was always clumsy but soon I was having trouble with balance. I passed out in my classroom and fell one day. I remember waking up to see a classroom full of preteens peering above me with terrible expressions of concern. I couldn't even comfort them because I felt like I'd been hit by a van. I lay there wondering what was going on with my body.

Edward was frantic when he came to pick me up from the school. There was no way in hell I was going to be able to drive like this. I had refused to go the hospital. If I had to I'd go to a doctor later I told myself, knowing I would probably back out of just like every other time I'd considered it.

I remember sitting there in the car in shock but aware enough to see how my husband looked like he was going to break the steering wheel he was gripping so tightly.

"It's nothing, Edward. I'm fine." I tried to reassure him.

He looked over to me as if angry and then tried to reign it back in. His face then showed worry if not agitation. "No, Bella. You're not fine."

He ran his hand through his hair and propped his elbow on the door resting his head on it. I watched him before finally looking out the window at the passing scenery. I closed my eyes after I became too dizzy to stand the constant movement anymore.

"I want you to see my father as soon as you can." He finally said firmly. I opened my eyes to look at him. He was nodding to himself like he had just written the demand in stone. I felt horrible because I felt like I was going to give Edward a nervous breakdown.

"He's all the way in Forks. I'm not going to all the way down there to see him. Anyway, I don't need a doctor. I was just really dizzy." I shrugged as if this all meant nothing. The truth was I was terrified of what all this meant. I didn't want to make the few hour drive to Forks from Seattle to see Carlisle for him to tell me things I'd feared thinking about.

I was an educated person. I wasn't necessarily a person who could attach themselves to medical information naturally, but I knew enough. I could have a brain tumor. I could have a number of diseases. I could think of all kinds of scenarios that frightened me. My way to make me feel better was to ignore the hell out it.

I came out of my contemplation and noticed that he had slowed down the car. I watched curiously as we pulled over to the side of the road. Edward turned off the car and then sighed loudly. He covered his mouth and then ran his hand over his face. It almost felt like I wasn't in the car his whole aura sending off so much vulnerability he rarely let me see. I tried to calm myself down because when Edward worried I soon followed. I didn't want to worry about this.

"You won't go to the emergency room even though you passed out unexpectedly and also fell. You could have trauma any number of places in your body." He said lowly. His voice was gritty and I wondered if he would cry. "Bella, I know you've not been yourself. You keep giving me excuses about it." I sat back in my seat and prepared for reality to sink in.

"You don't remember things. You have a hard time thinking of words. You've repeated lessons in your class because you don't recall already teaching them. You've fallen or tripped up more than usual. You take so much ibuprofen for your headaches I'm sure your kidneys are going to fail you one day. You get depressed and you're so tired all the time despite not doing anything out of the norm." Edward listed off my symptoms to me as clinically as he could.

He was quiet for a moment letting me realize that he'd been watching me closer than I had suspected. I thought I had everything under control. I thought I could fake it until I made it. It was like I thought it was okay to be dealing with so much pain and fatigue because I would just fight it with the meager weapons that had once worked. I was under this odd delusion that things would just get better somehow.

"There's something wrong." His voice was missing the level tone he'd been using. I looked to him and he was distraught. I swallowed down telling him I was fine. I wasn't.

"I'm scared. Please, let's do this together. Let's find out what it is. I promise I'll be with you every step of the way." He offered his hand and I held it in my lap not looking at him. I knew there were tears that threatened to spill over in his eyes. I also knew I was silently crying. I didn't want to see him cry and I didn't want him to see me cry.

"Okay." I finally whispered. I felt in some way like I was admitting defeat. It was as if I was a failure. I couldn't even hack dealing with my traitor body on my own.

That started the many visits to Edward's father Carlisle or Dr. Cullen as it said on his name tag at Forks Hospital. Things moved quickly since I was his daughter in law, plus Edward pushed his father to move even faster. We got second opinions at Carlisle's urging and I was tested over and over again for everything. Edward followed his father's instructions for me to a tee. I almost felt as if they were doing this themselves without me.

Because of all the medical stuff and as my body became weaker, I had to take time away from the class. I came in one day to see the kids and help install the temporary teacher. I cried on the way home as Edward's sister and my best friend, Alice, drove me home.

"They'll be alright. I mean, they will miss you, but they will be okay with this lady. She seemed rather nice." Alice tried to console me after I told her I felt like I was abandoning the kids.

"Believe me Alice, Ms. Tanya is totally self-absorbed and doesn't understand them like I do. Oh God, I've left them with a monster!" I wailed which seemed to be amusing to my sister in law.

"Alright then, Bella. You'll be alright, and soon. Then you can come back and beat the crap out of the monster Ms. Tanya. Okay?" She smiled at me and I felt like sticking my middle finger in her face.

I couldn't drive. I couldn't handle the money or big decisions anymore in my life or marriage. I couldn't take care of myself. And now I couldn't even teach. I was meant to teach. It'd been my dream since before I could remember. Now I didn't have that.

So here we were on the couch watching whatever it was that we were. Here I was unsure of what was going to happen or how it would change us. Here I was deficient and defective. Everything had slowly been stripped away from me. I felt as if I was a child and Edward was the anxious parent watching over me. I did feel love and appreciation for how much he helped me, but I couldn't beat back the feeling that my dignity had been ripped away from me.

We were waiting for a few tests to come back. The nurses that I talked over the phone seemed so nonchalant about it as they asked me to wait for the results. They were testing me for lupus and multiple sclerosis along with God knows what else. They tested me for diseases that were incurable and you lived with for a lifetime. The consequence being that everything would be a challenge all the time. There was no happy ending in my mind to be finally diagnosed with something like that.

I got up suddenly feeling like I couldn't sit a foot away from Edward anymore. I steadied myself feeling off balance as usual. Some days were good, and others were spent in bed. I could never guess what kind of day it was going to be.

"I'm going to do the dishes." I mumbled as I trudged off to the kitchen.

I couldn't cook anymore either. I would get confused or frustrated trying to read the directions. It was as if I couldn't concentrate long enough to get through a recipe. I could maybe throw something simple together that I remembered by heart, but other than that Edward or one of my friends would help me with dinner.

I started washing our plates and felt like all I could do was clean the dishes. This idea did not last long as my hand started to shake and I felt a bout of dizziness that was overwhelming. I mashed my lips together biting them. I just wanted to get through this chore. That's all that I wanted. I wanted to know I'd done something normal and beneficial. I fought through the already ever present and constant pain and the disorientation I felt. But I couldn't do it and the plate slipped from my hand and crashed loudly in the sink.

"Damnit!" I cried out. I turned from the infernal dishes and leaned against the counter trying to keep myself upright. I looked up and was startled to find Edward watching from the threshold of the kitchen.

"How long have you been there?" I asked him through the fog that I felt was taking over my brain.

"The whole time." He admitted with no shame. Of course because he was always spying on me. I scoffed at what he said and dried my hands on the towel.

I made sure I could walk before I walked out of the kitchen and started heading to our bedroom. He trailed behind me.

"I don't need a nurse with twenty-four hour watch, Edward." I flung the words harshly over my shoulder.

I really did love Edward all the more for trying to take care of me, but I was the most independent person I knew. This was all odd territory to be on. On top of that I couldn't be mad at it, whatever it was. I could I express anger towards an illness. I felt no satisfaction in it. I knew I was lashing out and snapping at everyone I loved because I had no idea how to express all the emotions I was feeling.

I sat in my bed and closed my eyes. I was so tired but my sleeping patterns were not being consistent. Plus I would have terrible nightmares. It was getting to the point that I was scared of going to sleep, but then I had no respite from the reality that had ruined my life.

I was young, ambitious, and a good person. Why was this happening to me? Why did this have to affect everyone around me? People thought I was selfish because I pushed them away right now. They thought it was all about me. Perhaps I was being a little selfish, but really I didn't want them anywhere near what this does to me. I didn't want them to hurt any amount. I was willing to shoulder everything and I'd be fine. At least I thought I would be fine.

But then there was Edward, Alice, Carlisle and not to mention my mother and father. My mother wanted to come up to Seattle from Florida and stay with me. I told her no and refused her offer often. Charlie would show up suddenly at the house on the weekends and claim he missed me cooking. He didn't seem to mind that I wasn't the one who usually cooked anymore, and Edward never seemed surprised to see my father at the door. Yes, because it wasn't odd at all for someone to drive a few hours for dinner.

I was not accepting being taking care of in stride. Part of me knew I was being petulant and ungrateful, but there was another part that was so broken. I didn't want to them to see how much this changed me. I was willing to pretend otherwise and continue with business as usual, but they denied me that.

I got up and went to my small desk across the room to check my email. I turned on my laptop and scrolled through my inbox. I saw I had probably three forwards from my mother. I glanced through the first two and then I noticed that my mother had actually added a message to one of them.

_Hey Bella, _

_I know you've probably deleted my other forwards, but I think this passage is something that will help you. I know that in hard times it has me. Everything has a reason, a purpose. Even what is going on with you. Hang on baby. I love you. -Mom _

I made an unhappy face that my mother was guilting me into reading one of her crazy 'you must forward ten people or you'll die' emails. So I scrolled down to see what she was talking about.

_A Time for Everything_

_There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every even under heaven_

_A time to give birth and a time to die. _

_A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted._

_A time to kill and a time to heal. _

_A time to tear down and a time to build up. _

_A time to weep and a time to laugh. _

_A time to mourn and a time to dance. _

_A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones. _

_A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. _

_A time to search and time to give up as lost. _

_A time to keep and a time to throw away. _

_A time to tear apart and a time to sew together. _

_A time to be silent and a time to speak. _

_A time to love and a time to hate. _

_A time for war and a time for peace. _

_-Ecclesiastes 3:1-10_

I sat back in a daze. I had heard this passage from the bible when I was a little girl. In fact I could remember memorizing it. But I had grown to an adult and I could barely recall all the words. Here before me was poetry and insight I had lost in my own turmoil.

I believed in God, but I wasn't a practicing Christian. I had to believe that there was a reason and time for everything. I had to have some sort of faith that believed that this wasn't all by random chance. I wanted to believe that because I suffered someone else didn't, or that I could one day help someone because of my experience.

I started crying. I was angry. I just wanted what I had and I couldn't understand why I couldn't have it. I just wanted me and Edward to have a life together, but I felt like this thing, this illness was wedged between us. I felt like everything I was and everything I had worked on for years was just slipping away. It was wasted years and wasted gain.

I sobbed loudly and mournfully as the idea of everything crashed down on me. There was so much fear and anger inside of me and I felt like there was no way to express it. No way to get it out. I couldn't exercise or take a long walk or God just hit the shit out of something. I wasn't allowed even that. So I let my grief pour out of me. I tried to get up out the chair but ended up landing on my butt on the carpet, my dizziness and weakness taking advantage of me.

"Honey?" Edward rushed over to me on the ground. He grabbed me and I clutched on to him. He held me there on the floor not asking anything while I sobbed with more vigor than I thought possible.

I don't know how long I cried out and let tears fall down my face and on everything around me. I would slip in and out of understanding of what was real. I would think to myself that what I was mourning over wasn't real. None of it was. I was just dreaming. And then reality would overwhelm to the point of unbelieving. Then I would feel such an acute desperation. I felt like I wanted to die. I felt like I wasn't strong enough to fight for life.

"It's okay." Edward murmured gently. I shook my head my head in disagreement.

"No, it's not. It hasn't been for a while. I'm tired. I'm so tired of it all, Edward." I sobbed loudly into his shirt.

They were the words I never wanted to utter. I wanted to give up because I felt too weary to go on. What would my life be like now?

"Come here." He picked me up from the floor and laid me carefully on the bed. He pulled me close to him and held me.

"I love you so much. I'll love you forever no matter what. I know you're tired. But I'm here. I'll hold you up." He trailed his fingertips up and down the side of my face.

I quieted down as a tried to be comforted by my husband. His kisses followed his fingers along my face. He kissed my closed eyes, my cheeks, and my forehead before he finally kissed my lips. He kissed me despite the taste of salt from my tears and my horrid appearance.

"You're still beautiful and perfect for me no matter what the test say, Bella. No matter how long it takes for you to feel any kind of better. I'm not going to go anywhere." I opened my eyes to see the intense expression in his eyes. He looked vulnerable and strong at the same time. It confused and awed me.

"I just need to you to try a little longer. I promise we'll figure this out." When I tried to look down he placed his hand on my face and lifted it. "Okay?"

He nodded to me and I nodded back because I wanted to believe him so bad. He kissed me slowly, reverently. Soon his tongue touched my lip and I opened my mouth to let him taste me. I held him closer as we kissed deeper and longer. His hand roamed up and down my sides making me breathe faster. I had missed this so much.

Edward and I always had a very active and fulfilling sex life, but sense I had gotten sick we were so focused on getting better or I was not feeling well for us to continue our sex life. I couldn't even remember that last time we had sex. My hands tangled in his short hair and I scratched lightly his scalp. He moaned and I felt my body come to life for the first time in weeks. I lifted my left leg and hitched it over his hip bringing him closer.

He opened his eyes and pulled away slightly. I watched his chest rise and fall to the exact rhythm of my own breathing. His eyes were dark and I could feel that he was just as aroused as I was. I smiled softly at him.

"Are you sure?" He gulped down what I assume was any urge to just take me. "I don't want to hurt you." He whispered and looked down.

"We'll go real slow then." I whispered back.

Edward rolled us over so that he was on top of me but was able to support most of his weight. My legs opened to him and the only weight he allowed to be on him was that of his hips pressing into me. I moaned when I felt our intimate contact, and felt sparks fly through me even with our clothes on.

"You have to tell me right away if I hurt, or if you want to stop. I'll stop right away. I mean it." He promised me as his hand slowly snaked its way toward my breast.

"I promise." I replied. I sighed out loudly when his hand finally touched me. He ran his hand over my nipple and covered his mouth with mine when I moaned.

I grabbed at the buttons on his shirt and started running through them. His hand caressed my breasts and along my stomach. My breathing got heavier as I got more excited. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel anything instead of the constant pain. Suddenly Edward grabbed my hands and stilled them. He looked at me poignantly and kissed my hands.

"Slow baby. Slow." He calmed me before kissing me slowly but with so much intensity I felt like I could break with the passion.

He pulled me up from the bed so that we were both on our knees facing each other. His hands ran through my long hair and reached the bottom hem of my shirt. He pulled it over my head and then quickly followed by unclipping my bra with the expertise of a professional. I smiled thinking of how smooth he still could be.

"What are you smiling at? I don't see you smile enough." His index finger caressed by single dimple on my cheek.

"I'm smiling at you." I looked down feeling strangely shy. I took a deep breath and looked back up to him overwhelmed with my love for him. "You always make me smile."

He kissed me passionately and pulled me to straddle his lap. He groaned when I brushed up against his erection. I pulled up his shirt and then slammed by myself back into him when his chest was bare. I think I made a moaning sound myself when we were skin on skin.

"Oh God I love you." He whispered hoarsely.

"I love you too, baby."

Suddenly slow was not what was happening. He had both of our pants off before I realized I was laying there in my underwear before him. He pulled back and looked at me as if getting ready to worship me. He kissed up and down my neck like he knew I loved. He kissed and licked along my collarbone. His hands did terribly wonderful things to breasts at the same time.

His hand sliding flat against my hip took my underwear off. He was quick to remove his own. He steadied himself above me. He smiled down at me as I ran my hands through his hair.

"Do you know…"He lowered himself and slid into me, "that this never gets old."

My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I felt his words brush against my ear in a whisper. I let out a shaky breath feeling complete and wired with energy. He pulled slowly out and pushed back in a little deeper. I wished I could tell him to make love with all abandon, but that's not what I could handle at the moment. I was feeling slight twinges of pain from just the exertion we'd put forth so far. But I pushed it back and felt every nerve ending that was become electrified with Edward's touch.

I gasped in when he hit the spot he always aimed for and always got. Somewhere deep inside me where all my secrets lay was where Edward always wanted to be. I felt like I was becoming less and less coherent as my pleasure began to slip into hysterics. I clung unto him and he kissed everywhere. I peeked at his face to see him smirking slightly as he watched me beginning to come undone. He kissed me and moved his hips a different way unhinging every last bit of sanity I had for the next few moments.

I moaned loudly as his mouth covered mine again and again as he pushed into me again and again. When my orgasm slowed and waned he didn't pick up his pace although I knew he wanted to. I felt bad instantly that I couldn't give my whole self to my husband. I ignored my self-pity though and began moving with him, against him so that he would feel just as good as I did. My hips ached after a few moments but it was better than the alternative.

He took a few breaths too quick I knew he was going to come. I squeezed my legs tighter around him and then he grunted. I kissed him now covering his sounds like he had mine. I loved the feeling of him inside me when he orgasmed. It was as if I was complete. We were one.

He finally slowed to a stop and then moved off of me. He held me to him for a few minutes as we joked that sex was so good between us it should be outlawed. I felt euphoric and at peace, but life does not stay away long enough.

I began to hurt more. He looked at me immediately knowing I was uncomfortable. He picked me up and took me to the bath where he ran hot water for me. He sat next to tub as I looked at him with some helpless sadness.

"Bella, I'm here for the good, bad, and everything else. Thank you for letting me make love to you. It was my pleasure and privilege." He winked at me flirtatiously with his smile wide and bright. "And that's why it's also a pleasure and privilege to run you a bath."

I smiled at him. Things were not perfect. Things weren't even good. But I had something so precious in Edward's love for me. Maybe I wouldn't be cured for what I might have, but at least I knew I always had him. Maybe that was cure enough.


End file.
